I… don’t even know how to begin this one. This whole project started as an attempt to impress Phoebe Bridgers, though it’s ending as something else entirely. I wrote a whole long thing about how my unhealthy obsession with Phoebe Bridgers was over, how it was never about her in the first place but instead a long, drawn out crisis about my future as either someone cool or a corporate drone, but I never posted it. I thought my options were either work for Phoebe Bridgers’s cool record label and be doing something sick and indie and aligned with my interests[1], or take my salaried corporate job and sit at a desk the rest of my life. But those aren’t the only two options and going through this blog project has proven that to me.
Would you believe me if I told you
I only got into Phoebe Bridgers within the past few years? Looking at my social
media from the past 6 months you wouldn’t have guessed it, but the
hyper-fixation wave was more like a tsunami this time around. It’s been about a
month of successful recovery from those feelings[2]
and I feel like I can be a normal fan of her music again. I gotta say it was my
friend Jane who first got me into her music. She told me she knew she was
having a rough time because Phoebe’s album Stranger in the Alps was on repeat.
I started listening in earnest then, and was quickly surprised that I wasn’t
already a fan.
When Punisher came out mid-lockdown
this summer, I was perfectly aligned to become obsessed. I entered the Garden
Song video contest, making a music video on the Sims. I tuned in to basically
every live stream and interview. I watched as she became more and more famous,
slowly becoming jealous that I would never get to see her perform in a small venue
the way I would’ve if I had seen her on tour before the pandemic[3].
I was unemployed and deeply depressed and in a constant state of panic, and I
decided that the only person who could tell me if I was a worthy human being
was Phoebe Bridgers. That’s a lot to put on one person who doesn’t even know
you! That’s kind of insane!
However, as I try my damn hardest
to make my self-worth an unconditional given, I’m able to re-engage with the
reasons I loved Phoebe’s music in the first place. One of the things I admire
about her is how open she is about her process. She describes the way she leans
on her friends and the musicians she works with to help guide her sound, and I
marvel at how she can do that without losing herself in the process the way I
would. As a famous person, she’s ridiculously accessible, like when she tweeted
the meaning behind any lyric her fans had questions about. She takes this
process of making music that seems so alien and secretive to me as an outsider
and she just blows it wide open. But knowing the process behind her songs doesn’t
eliminate the magic. Instead, as a fan, you feel like you’re part of that
process, and the music becomes even more special because it’s like you were
there. And really, her songs describe moments that I actually have existed in
before. Feeling like a road trip is a mythologic quest for the end of the world,
realizing that you would do absolutely anything for the people you love, even
if it meant destroying yourself in the process, and trying to be someone who goes
on runs. It’s not just that these are relatable, it’s that these songs feel
like pieces of my own ethos; small, private moments that have somehow been put
out for both mass consumption and for my ears only.
So, listen, will I continue to ache
after a job at Saddest Factory Records? Probably yes. But if I don’t get one,
will that be the end of my life as a cool and worthwhile human being? Probably
not. Will I obsessively check my social media on the off chance that Phoebe
somehow reads this? Probably yes though I will try my fucking hardest not to. And
will I jump at the chance to buy a ticket to whatever show she plays post-covid
and get there way too early so I can be at the front and make an absolute
crying fool out of myself? Definitely yes. But until then, I’m just happy to be
able to have these songs and feel seen, even if the person seeing me has never
known I existed.
I feel like I could write at least a
thousand words on each song on this album, but maybe that will be for a later
project on this blog. Until then, if you’ve somehow read this entire essay or
followed me on social media without listening to Punisher, please change that
and know that when you listen, you’re hearing something that is very near and very
dear to my heart.
[1]
Like do I even WANT to monetize my passions? Wouldn’t that take the passion out
of the entire thing? If I rely on my writing for my income, won’t I start to
resent it? Much to think about.
[2]
Yes I did delete all posts and tweets at and about Phoebe out of shame now that
I’m “calm.”
[3] Do
you see what I mean about still being pretentious regarding music? Why am I
gatekeeping someone else’s fame just for the sake of my own concert going
experience?
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