Does anyone else have an album that symbolizes when they firsts started romanticizing mental illness? Because this is mine. It marks the beginning of my tumblr days where I would send anonymous messages to girls with eating disorders, telling them how jealous I was of their “resolve”. Despite that, I don’t fault this album.
I remember pre-gaming some “party”
in a friend’s bedroom, taking sips of liquor I stole from my parents. I took a
few inches from every bottle, mixing gin, tequila, bourbon, and vodka into one flask,
hoping that if I spread it out, my parents wouldn’t notice. It worked, but at
what cost? I still want to gag at the thought of that concoction. The night of
the party, I had mixed it with flat ginger ale. I felt light and stupid and
like there was some deep gloom just on the edge of the next day, and the only
thing that would keep it at bay was to ignore it and drink and be with my
friends.
My main problem was that I wanted
to be mysterious. I wanted to be the manic-pixie-dream-girl who was fun and
bubbly but held deeper, darker secrets that made her interesting. I wanted to
be the main character in a John Green novel. Sometimes I think I manifested my mental
illnesses by wanting to be like that, but realistically, I saw the MPDG as the
only acceptable form for the anxiety and depression I felt. It had to be
packaged and digestible, otherwise it was Too Much.
Either/Or was the album I loved
while these thoughts formed solidity. Listening to this album these days makes
me feel almost melancholic for the person I was at that time. I was deeply
uncomfortable but didn’t know it yet. My main coping mechanism of powering
through it was still working- that wouldn’t crumble for another few years. Even
though I know I felt pressured, anxious, and awkward, I feel like this time was
the calm before the storm. It wasn’t, I’d been anxious since at least seven
years old, but this is right before the anxieties combined with puberty and expectations
and peer pressure. I want to go back and comfort who I was, but there’s nothing
I could say that would alter the course of what I became. I don’t think the
younger me would listen to anything I would have to say now.
The first Elliott Smith song I
loved was Between the Bars. Then Say Yes, and then 2:45am. I would try and stay
up until 2:45am as often as I could, so I could post the lyrics on myspace and
seem cool. I still sing the song to myself whenever I see the time, whether morning
or night.
Elliott Smith is kind of the king
of depression and mystery, especially when the events of his death are still
disputed, but I’m glad I had him to keep me company while I grew into the same
emotions.
You can listen to the album here
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