Have you ever noticed just how hard everything is? I'm almost a year post-grad. When everyone asked me what I would be doing once I graduated, I told them that all I wanted was to be able to pay my bills by myself. I've accomplished this goal, and I'm really proud of myself. Despite having to pay $800/month in student loans (yes, you read that right. I pay almost twice my rent in loans every month. Don't go to college) I'm making rent on time, keeping myself and my cat fed, and somehow I make enough to occasionally go on a date with my boyfriend or buy a new pair of socks. Post-college, I wanted to learn how to fend for myself, and I think I accomplished that. So why am I still stuck in a rut?
I'm fresh out of yet another informational interview with someone in the field I want to go into. He was very kind. I agreed to let him buy me a coffee even though I was already over-caffeinated. He told me his trajectory, what he's learned in the business, and the ways to market myself to get in. But he also told me that no one would hire me until I had some bylines under my belt. Which means freelancing. And I'm not sure why, but that is the exact opposite of what I wanted to do. I wanted to avoid freelancing at all costs, but now I'm hearing that it might cost me an entire career.
All I hear about freelancing is the hardships. I hear how writers have to hound publications to pay them once they've been published. I hear about ideas being stolen, of contracts being breached. When I hear all of this, I"m reminded of the fact that I'm just a 23 year old who's never written anything. I'm an amoeba in the evolution of the writing and publishing world. The fact that I make my rent and loan payments on time, know how to cook for myself, and somehow am mentally OK means nothing. The fact that I've only just now come to terms with my gender identity and expression as it stands amounts to nothing more than a gap in my resume. All of this self improvement? It just means I haven't been working at my career. It's now a bad thing, instead of my best accomplishment yet.
I want to be a writer. It's all I've ever wanted to be. But I feel too pretentious and green to say it out loud. I don't trust myself enough to start that process. I don't have enough confidence in myself and my abilities.
I want to be an editor, but I can't be an editor until I've been a writer.
I want to help other people tell their stories. I want to lift up voices that aren't my own, that matter more than my own. I want to get those stories into the world in their best form. And now I'm 23, a year out of college, and there's nowhere for me to go. Despite doing everything right, I seem to have only made the wrong steps. Majored in the wrong thing. Took the wrong internships. Settled in the wrong city.
There's so much wrong with the world. There are so many catch-22's in getting a career. It seems like no one my age has a job in their field. Or if they do, they're doing the kind of work that they had to sell their soul to do well. Or they do great work but are so worn down by the hours and lack of pay that they're barely afloat.
It's been a long time since I wrote in this blog. It's been two years since I was in New Zealand. I'm lucky to be where I am now, but I am also so incredibly frustrated to be where I am now. So maybe I'll start writing here again, if just to have something to put on my resume.
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